As a semi-professional drive who makes their living be driving, I’ve noticed a few things. The most obvious is that entirely too many people do not know how to drive properly. They make a lot of mistakes and if yo are not paying attention at all times, you can easily end up in a collision or pile up. To avoid this, I offer a tongue-in-cheek how-to guide for the best ways to crack up. If you follow this advise I promise that sooner or later you will be in an accident but since you wee the one driving in the following ways, you also will be to blame. Have fun in court. Oh, and be sure to employ a crooked lawyer. You’ll need it. Ok, here goes…

On the subject of speed…

  • Remember that speed limits are really just suggestions. If no one else is around feel free to drive as fast as you want. Don’t worry. No one will ever enter from a side street.
  • When you see a red light ahead there is no reason to slow down. The signal knows you are coming and when you get closer to it, it will change for you. So speed towards it.
  • Driving bumper to bumper is advisable at all speeds. So go ahead and fly at someone at high speed. They won’t stop or slow down, ever!
  • Driving at high speeds with your foot on the brake routinely is a positive sign that the car is still on. It’s being courteous to the driver behind and letting them know the car is still in operation.

On the subject of Turning

  • While you might not have known it, Turn Signals actually turn the car, not the steering wheel. That steering wheel story is just a myth.
  • No one but no one is ever supposed to know where their turn is. When you see it, you turn.
  • Always, always switch three lanes at once on the highway. It’s a cardinal rule.
  • Another cardinal rule is that you never pass only one car when you can pass two at once.
  • Naturally if you can cut someone off within a block or two of your turn, you do it. There’s extra points giving if you do it with only half a block left.
  • When you see a cement inter-median and the place you want to be is one the other side, you don’t have to drive to the corner, you simply cross over it. It might be a little bumpy but go ahead and do it.
  • Of course when you see a giant puddle in your lane and you can simply go around it, you don’t. You hydro-plane through it.

In closing…remember this…

  • The feud between Chevy and Ford is real! You will be required to take a side.

  • If the car you drive in is not an American brand it is not a car.

  • Getting tickets are badges of honor.

  • Totaling your car is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s really just being initiated.

Safe Driving!?! Don’t forget if you want to be safe-do the opposite of everything here.

Remember it’s a dangerous world out there in driver-land. Be safe. Follow the rules set down in your real driver’s guide book. You don’t want your car to look like these.

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What Writing Truely Is

What Writing Truely Is

Selected from The Thief of Bagdad – Douglas Fairbanks Sr.

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